Ten Months

It has been 10 months since Cheater first left the house and 9 months since I discovered it was because of Pitbull. In all that time every piece of information I have found out concerning a situation I was heavily vested in has come from other then Cheater's own lips. I am ashamed to say that I put the story together, Cheater never once admitted that he was having an affair, even when they were living together.

Ten months of overwhelming grief, depression, serious health concerns and financial adversity. Ten months I allowed out of my life and my children's. In that 10 months, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Valentines Day, Easter, 2 of the kids birthdays, Cheater's birthday, my birthday and our 19th wedding anniversary, arrived and departed. Cheater arrived and departed 4 times during that ten month period. Cheater and I learned we were expecting our first Grandchild in that 10 month period. A precious 10 month snapshot of our life together, lost in all those days wasted.

Ten months that made our 19 year marriage seem brief, faded and distant now. Tarnished, blurry, dreamlike.

Ten long months that have left me tarnished, blurry and vacant.

At last, beginning the eleventh month, fitting tribute to the "eleventh hour", I offer the remains of my marriage over to the trash pile. I am, frankly, so grateful, to not be the same emotional wreck I was when this nightmare began. Perhaps that is the biggest lesson learned. If I had to face the fear of what I must do now, 10 months ago, I would have failed miserably.

My plans now are no less tenuous then they were ten months ago, but I am not nearly as grief struck. I can live comfortably in my own skin these days long enough to move forward through the fear. I must have started the work of reinventing myself and facing my sadness early enough. Though I let Cheater back into the arms of this household four times, I must have regressed, each time, a little less. Today, it has been only three weeks since Cheater left again without a word.

No I am not bold enough to state that I feel like dancing, but I do notice more everyday that a tap and snap, is entering my step. For longer periods I can stay in the skin of my hurt and shock, with fewer tears and angst. For me this feels like undiluted victory. I never want to walk the path of these last months again. I do not have all the answers, nor have I resolved all the emotions, but I am working on it.

Trust me, it DOES get better with time. I know fully that I can leave my marriage here at the door of the eleventh month of hell, and walk away a better woman. I can walk away knowing that I did all that I could, all that I should, and too much of what I shouldn't.

I leave it all there in a heap, for someone else to muse upon. I leave it ,30 lbs lighter,much grayer, sadder, but wiser. I leave it, acknowledging that this is the one time when an instruction manual would not have helped.

I am grateful to have come this far , gained so much, and honestly lost so very little.

Yet Another Cheater

I often find myself recalling better moments in the history of my marriage. This has to change i have decided. We all have fond memories that aid us in advancing through the less stellar times of relationships. My gut feeling is that we are supposed to do that. The memories help us cycle through the times when we are feeling less than affectionate towards our partner. The rush of positive emotions support us when we would otherwise disengage from our partnership. Not one long term relationship is without issues, or areas of time when one partner is more emotionally involved than the other. Humans simply seem to have a hard time staying deep within the connection of romance. This seems reasonable, and normal. Accepting that you are not always going to like your mate seems a mature way of dealing with relationship hiccups.

One of the major problems however, is when you start to rely on those fond memories as a way to resolve serious issues. Fantasy problem solving. We all do this as well.

I have become so uncomfortable with the thought of letting my lengthy marriage go to its eventual ending, that I have relied heavily on better times to excuse Cheater's bad behavior. It doesn't help that Cheater has never volunteered alot of information in regards to his behavior, and his apologies have seemed vapid and void of true remorse.

I have very little information to base a solid decision on, so I rely on memories of better times. Cheater's recent behavior has been downright bizarre and varies greatly from any previous experiences with him. But I have been dealing with this behavior now for almost a year and it is time to develop a better plan of release.

Cheater's excuses have been open ended, undecided and non committal. Although I am beginning to face the fact that I accepted his excuses, I admit that I did so based on a fantasy notion. Cheater in turn has taken complete advantage of the fact that I have been in a tailspin for the past year. I cannot say that Cheater has always done this knowingly. I don't think he knows which way is forward. But I have followed his way of thinking, and put enormous faith in the belief that he was just gonna work his way back to "normal".

The admission here is that Cheater has always been selfish, and has never put my needs before his. He would disagree completely, as I believe this behavior was never about being vindictive, but more about self preservation. Any uncomfortable thoughts regarding himself have always been thwarted by Cheater as a mechanism of self soothing. He has never learned to be reflective.

Most people that I have tried to explain this theory to have excused Cheaters behavior as a "man's" way of thinking. I say that is a load of crap. Men are just as capable of having deep thoughts pertaining to their emotional capabilities. To dismiss and excuse a man's negative behavior as "manly thinking" is just utter b.s.

As of today I expect more from Cheater than he is simply confused. Hes had a lengthy time to identify his issues, and a ton of support to do so. I think he knows exactly what is going on now and just refuses to bring his ugly thoughts to light. He now knows that once he admits the truth of actions that there is no where left to go. He will have to deal with the fallout.

Its not about shaming Cheater for his behavior, but by hearing the truth, I hope to be able to work through this mess. I want to be released from the nightmare of the past year and work towards an eventual happier ending then whats on the horizon at the present.

I know this marriage has reached its end. I just want to be able to believe that conclusion based upon fact not fantastical thinking.