Ten Months

It has been 10 months since Cheater first left the house and 9 months since I discovered it was because of Pitbull. In all that time every piece of information I have found out concerning a situation I was heavily vested in has come from other then Cheater's own lips. I am ashamed to say that I put the story together, Cheater never once admitted that he was having an affair, even when they were living together.

Ten months of overwhelming grief, depression, serious health concerns and financial adversity. Ten months I allowed out of my life and my children's. In that 10 months, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Valentines Day, Easter, 2 of the kids birthdays, Cheater's birthday, my birthday and our 19th wedding anniversary, arrived and departed. Cheater arrived and departed 4 times during that ten month period. Cheater and I learned we were expecting our first Grandchild in that 10 month period. A precious 10 month snapshot of our life together, lost in all those days wasted.

Ten months that made our 19 year marriage seem brief, faded and distant now. Tarnished, blurry, dreamlike.

Ten long months that have left me tarnished, blurry and vacant.

At last, beginning the eleventh month, fitting tribute to the "eleventh hour", I offer the remains of my marriage over to the trash pile. I am, frankly, so grateful, to not be the same emotional wreck I was when this nightmare began. Perhaps that is the biggest lesson learned. If I had to face the fear of what I must do now, 10 months ago, I would have failed miserably.

My plans now are no less tenuous then they were ten months ago, but I am not nearly as grief struck. I can live comfortably in my own skin these days long enough to move forward through the fear. I must have started the work of reinventing myself and facing my sadness early enough. Though I let Cheater back into the arms of this household four times, I must have regressed, each time, a little less. Today, it has been only three weeks since Cheater left again without a word.

No I am not bold enough to state that I feel like dancing, but I do notice more everyday that a tap and snap, is entering my step. For longer periods I can stay in the skin of my hurt and shock, with fewer tears and angst. For me this feels like undiluted victory. I never want to walk the path of these last months again. I do not have all the answers, nor have I resolved all the emotions, but I am working on it.

Trust me, it DOES get better with time. I know fully that I can leave my marriage here at the door of the eleventh month of hell, and walk away a better woman. I can walk away knowing that I did all that I could, all that I should, and too much of what I shouldn't.

I leave it all there in a heap, for someone else to muse upon. I leave it ,30 lbs lighter,much grayer, sadder, but wiser. I leave it, acknowledging that this is the one time when an instruction manual would not have helped.

I am grateful to have come this far , gained so much, and honestly lost so very little.

Yet Another Cheater

I often find myself recalling better moments in the history of my marriage. This has to change i have decided. We all have fond memories that aid us in advancing through the less stellar times of relationships. My gut feeling is that we are supposed to do that. The memories help us cycle through the times when we are feeling less than affectionate towards our partner. The rush of positive emotions support us when we would otherwise disengage from our partnership. Not one long term relationship is without issues, or areas of time when one partner is more emotionally involved than the other. Humans simply seem to have a hard time staying deep within the connection of romance. This seems reasonable, and normal. Accepting that you are not always going to like your mate seems a mature way of dealing with relationship hiccups.

One of the major problems however, is when you start to rely on those fond memories as a way to resolve serious issues. Fantasy problem solving. We all do this as well.

I have become so uncomfortable with the thought of letting my lengthy marriage go to its eventual ending, that I have relied heavily on better times to excuse Cheater's bad behavior. It doesn't help that Cheater has never volunteered alot of information in regards to his behavior, and his apologies have seemed vapid and void of true remorse.

I have very little information to base a solid decision on, so I rely on memories of better times. Cheater's recent behavior has been downright bizarre and varies greatly from any previous experiences with him. But I have been dealing with this behavior now for almost a year and it is time to develop a better plan of release.

Cheater's excuses have been open ended, undecided and non committal. Although I am beginning to face the fact that I accepted his excuses, I admit that I did so based on a fantasy notion. Cheater in turn has taken complete advantage of the fact that I have been in a tailspin for the past year. I cannot say that Cheater has always done this knowingly. I don't think he knows which way is forward. But I have followed his way of thinking, and put enormous faith in the belief that he was just gonna work his way back to "normal".

The admission here is that Cheater has always been selfish, and has never put my needs before his. He would disagree completely, as I believe this behavior was never about being vindictive, but more about self preservation. Any uncomfortable thoughts regarding himself have always been thwarted by Cheater as a mechanism of self soothing. He has never learned to be reflective.

Most people that I have tried to explain this theory to have excused Cheaters behavior as a "man's" way of thinking. I say that is a load of crap. Men are just as capable of having deep thoughts pertaining to their emotional capabilities. To dismiss and excuse a man's negative behavior as "manly thinking" is just utter b.s.

As of today I expect more from Cheater than he is simply confused. Hes had a lengthy time to identify his issues, and a ton of support to do so. I think he knows exactly what is going on now and just refuses to bring his ugly thoughts to light. He now knows that once he admits the truth of actions that there is no where left to go. He will have to deal with the fallout.

Its not about shaming Cheater for his behavior, but by hearing the truth, I hope to be able to work through this mess. I want to be released from the nightmare of the past year and work towards an eventual happier ending then whats on the horizon at the present.

I know this marriage has reached its end. I just want to be able to believe that conclusion based upon fact not fantastical thinking.

A Pile at the end of the Rainbow

i just learned that Cheater called a family member last night. Sigh....................she called me today to let me know. Ah.........."gee, your heartfelt rush to let me know he was breathing dear family member bowls me over". We will call this family member Sister Rainbow. Sister Rainbow is as co dependent a mess as I am when it come to Cheater Deluxe. I understand we all must have loyalty, but there is such a thing as protecting the crook who stole the peace from this family. Someone needs to feed Cheater a stiff dose of reality.

I gotta admit it burns my butt that he has not called to even find out how his kids are. He is such a low dog. I have no idea if what he told her was true or not but she swallowed every word he said despite facts. Life must be good for Cheater, he sucked us all into his charade. From what I know, I am convinced he is lying to Sister Rainbow to ensure at least one continued supporter.

I keep telling myself that It is just as well that he has not called. I am vunerable as hell right now and likely to get swallowed back into the adoring fans club. The longer it takes him to land the ball of contact at my feet, the further away from him emotionally I will be. I gotta face the facts that this will never stop until I make it stop.

Its tough business working through this grief, and I squirm everytime I have a thought connected to it. As before, I am giddy with relief until after dinner, then I become sad and morose, mourning my loss. I hate it, the entire process I mean, and just want to be on the other side of the mountain. I want to run pell mell towards emotional relief.

I do admit that I spend too much time solving the mystery when I should be just attending to my worries and that of the kids. Even in my sadness Cheater Deluxe rises first on the list. Truly I am entirely too emotionally messed up to wallow through this mire on my own. I have been reading alot of different books in an effort to help but I think a counselor is needed at this point. I am willing to admit that until I am feeling stronger in my efforts to move away from Cheater, that I am at risk of never doing so.

I have learned that we have gut instinct and inner knowing for our protection. When you diminish and ignore those inner strengths you lose your way. I have become so fearful of changing my circumstances that I gave away every bit of power and self protection I had. The more my inner voice tried to warn me, the less of it I heard. We hear what we want to hear, and make the best of it by filling in the negatives with the way we WANT the situation to be. We all do this, I just have always done so where Cheater Deluxe is concerned. I have a very long history of co dependence with Cheater to resolve and the thought is overwhelming.

My list of honesty includes 1) no matter how I twist this current situation, Cheater will never change the way he is. I must be the one to change the circumstances. Plunging headlong into cold water now, will update when my lips are no longer blue.................................

In Cement

I am struggling to keep everything in perspective. Like a coin with two sides, there are two sides to my feelings over Cheater Deluxe's abandonment of his marriage. One side of me is mad, rejected and vengeful, the other is sad at the loss of someone who has been present in my life for 21 years. I feel so balled up with fury one minute and so flaccid with sadness the next. Its the hardest part to deal with, the personal emotions.

No matter what Cheater has done, I still want to lay down and cry when I think of the loss of him as my friend and companion. Perhaps someone will understand what I am trying to say, perhaps not. There seems to be such a black or white perspective over how someone in my position should feel and respond when infidelity in a marriage occurs.

So much wrong has happened recently with Cheater, other than just infidelity, but I wanted to share a bit of my experience over the infidelity. Cheater Deluxe was never a dog. He never oogled other women, made rude comments in my presence, or chased a pretty face. This infidelity struck myself and anyone who knew him as utterly inexplicable. Cheater and I despite stresses of normal life had a friendship that kept us together through alot of tough times. I accepted his flaws and he accepted mine. Marriage was not perfect because life is not perfect, but we stayed glued to one another because we actually liked each other and enjoyed each others company.

This is where I seem to be cemented into place. There is such a dichotomy between what I should do, and what I am feeling. I think all the "should dos" are valid and at this point necessary. The emotions though, persistantly cloud my judgement.

It is helpful in many ways that Cheater Deluxe has gone underground. I would cave if I heard his voice or had him near me physically. I just cannot do what is to be done and that is to be done completely with this marriage. Eventually he will surface and I hope I will have hardened more towards him. I have never liked doing what I must do over doing what I want to do. I am hoping with time the need to do will win over.

There comes a point when a solid line must be drawn in the sand. As long as I allow this poor treatment to occur it will just keep happening. I know this in the real world, its my emotional world that hasn't absorbed that snarling truth yet.

Being a control freak is a constant stress. Like I said before I am not freakish about everyone else, I am freakish about being in complete control of my place in the world. Mess with my zen and I am highly likely to spin off into hours of worried rumination. I don't make hardlined decisions about problems, and I do not approach problem solving with any sort of practical organization. I simply worry, muddle, and recycle the issue over in my head until a solution is found. This takes weeks, days, maybe months.

I pick my way through an entire list of solutions until I feel comfortable with one and thats how I make a decision. Its all about making me happy and comfortable with a solution. Its about restoring my zen to balance so that I once again feel in control of my immediate world.

Money is something that I completely lack control of right now and a constant stress. Worrying about how I am gonna get the rent payed ruins my control. I am a happy woman when my bills are payed and I do not have to worry about a late payment or where the funding will come from. I am happy when there is food in the house, electric bill is current and gas in my car. Even the smallest financial stress will send me into hyper worry. Then I am out of control.

Of course with Cheater Deluxe not producing any blips yet on the radar of life, my money woes are swinging me from the moon. I have heard through the grapevine that Cheater Deluxe and Pitbull have blown the state they holed up in and have embarked on an incognito road trip. No one has heard from them, and being the stellar parent that Pitbull is she abandoned her two young children. I must add Cheater Deluxe of course to that stellar parent list as well. Goodness knows it has become my irritating habit to burn holes in your eyes from my sarcastistic remarks.

Tonight Pitbull texted me that Cheater Deluxe confessed his undying love and affection to her, and asked her to text me with that tawdry tidbit. I admit my heart left my chest and landed in my feet with a painful thud, but being a gal of many words, I blasted her back. Words have a way of ringing true, of burning someone so quickly that you can imagine them physically recoiling from the sight of them. I did not go Jerry Springer on her ass, I used words of stinging wit and dripping sarcasm. It felt so good. My heart went back into my chest and I really puffed with pride when her retort was nasty and not at all on point. Yes folks, I had succeeded in rattling her cage. My job with her was done.

I tried to get out of her where they were and to find out if Cheater Deluxe was working. Its difficult to garner information when you are trying not to reveal your own hand. But I am a poker player and that trait has come in handy, so I imagined a fist full of poker chips and blundered ahead. I was not successful in getting much out of her except that Cheater Deluxe was indeed hiding from all responsibility concerning his kids. He has no intentions of volunteering any financial support, nor did he make any indication that he felt in any way guilty for his recent disappearance.

Well then. I cannot say I am surprised. I cannot even say that I was upset at not getting useful information from her. I have backup people. People who can get the job done. But that may be a lengthy process. So once again my zen is out of balance because I am not anymore in control of my finances then when I started this day. Even a life instruction manual written in sanskrit would be more helpful than none at all.

No Blips on the Radar

So although words fail me at the time of this writing , i am going to try to explain the current drama. I do not know who signed me up to play yet another round of disappearing husband.

Cheater Deluxe disappeared off the radar of this family again last night. Indeed he did. I know he is okay because Pitbull (Girlfriend) texted me and told me he was there. Actually words aren't failing me at all ............@@@@@@@@@ !! After all who needs to read the verbal x rated bashing of Cheater Deluxe. You can fill in the blanks.

>He has yet to call or raise his cowardly head from under his pillow to answer any phonecalls. He's just a Prince. Sarcasm burning your eyes?? Sunglasses work, you will wanna keep reading after all.

in the beginning

I swear life needs to come with a full set of understandable instructions. Hence the name of this blog.

I have alot of life to tell you about. Mostly stories past and present. Wish I could write about the future stories, as that would be sorta like having a set of instructions.

My Dad has often remarked that I should publish a book. Yup, my life has been that insane. Insane by choice, only on occasion. Most of the time my life has been like living inside a tornado that touches down in any convenient OZ it desires at the time.

I am a control freak, and the powers that be are messing with my head and making sure I follow their rules in order to learn the lessons I was born to learn. Finally at the age off 47 I have started just learning from life, instead of fighting. I truly believe we are all here on earth to learn. I believe we are living to learn to be better humans. Call it an Adam and Eve legacy if you will. In one way or another we descendants will get bitten because Eve had that first tempting luscious bite.

I do not believe that our higher power is in anyway vindictive, just practical. After all, once bitten, twice shy. Well okay bad use of a pun. But back to the control freak part. I do not want to control everything, just my own world. That world currently holds a Husband, 4 children, a crazy dog and three cats. I have my first Grandchild on the way in October.

I am only moderately humorous,but often find myself laughing at my interaction in the world. I guess thats a positive at this point.

I am not a philosopher, but have had way too many moments in my life when I have had to philosophize the hell out of current circumstance. I am not a psychologist , yet I can envision the doctorate hanging on my wall. I can analyze with the best. I finally get it. I am not a medical doctor. But my kids have had enough medical issues to make you think I went to Harvard Medical.

That is a brief introduction. I am not sure where I will start yet but start I will. Welcome!

I could start with the current stress. It seems to have swallowed me whole. I feel often as though I am in the belly of a whale with only a candle that keeps sputtering out from the dampness. I chose the stress in a way, but let me explain further.

I have a wayward husband. I am being kind. I am trying to be "PC" in case the lying cheating Head Member of the Cheaters Club chances upon my blog. Sorry if the sarcasm oozed from the typed word onto your computer screen and singed it. Sigh.............all words to describe my situation seem vapid , hollow and certainly not posionous enough.

Suffice it to say the history is long, moderately relatable and entirely titillating. You will have to wait until my emotional strength meter is higher to actually read the entire story.

I have been trying for two months, since Cheater Deluxe re-entered the household to keep it together. I am really not sure what I was thinking letting him back in. I had a weak moment, a stellar weak moment. It was so near our 19th wedding anniversary and I was feeling generous. Next time I feel generous I will feed the pigeons. I will end up with just as much crap, but no emotional scarring.

So I let Cheater Deluxe back in before I really contemplated the entire scenario. I sure as hell can acknowledge that I have bitten off way more than I can chew.

Ya know the song Long Strange Trip by Grateful Dead? Well there ya go. I gotta kick myself for even being remotely moony eyed over the thought of a complete reconcilliation. I am sure my family would love to kick me thrice over.

My advice to anyone in this circumstance?? Kick him to the curb girl, make sure you kick him hard. Why? This is the single hardest thing I have ever had to overcome. I cannot go ten minutes without becoming a jealous gorgon, snarling suspicions and hurtling insults. Heres the real scoop. The forgiver has all the work to do. The forgivee basically sits pretty and waits for the forgiver to put life back together.

Some have suggested a counselor. Hmmmmm, well perhaps it could work. That counselor will not be in your head 24-7 helping you forgive. Forgiveness is a down and dirty, life sucking process. It takes extreme confidence to readily forgive. If you have had a similar experience then you know your confidence was left somewhere back in time and is irretrievable at this point. Hate to sound negative, but I am telling you this is life without the instruction manual.