in the beginning

I swear life needs to come with a full set of understandable instructions. Hence the name of this blog.

I have alot of life to tell you about. Mostly stories past and present. Wish I could write about the future stories, as that would be sorta like having a set of instructions.

My Dad has often remarked that I should publish a book. Yup, my life has been that insane. Insane by choice, only on occasion. Most of the time my life has been like living inside a tornado that touches down in any convenient OZ it desires at the time.

I am a control freak, and the powers that be are messing with my head and making sure I follow their rules in order to learn the lessons I was born to learn. Finally at the age off 47 I have started just learning from life, instead of fighting. I truly believe we are all here on earth to learn. I believe we are living to learn to be better humans. Call it an Adam and Eve legacy if you will. In one way or another we descendants will get bitten because Eve had that first tempting luscious bite.

I do not believe that our higher power is in anyway vindictive, just practical. After all, once bitten, twice shy. Well okay bad use of a pun. But back to the control freak part. I do not want to control everything, just my own world. That world currently holds a Husband, 4 children, a crazy dog and three cats. I have my first Grandchild on the way in October.

I am only moderately humorous,but often find myself laughing at my interaction in the world. I guess thats a positive at this point.

I am not a philosopher, but have had way too many moments in my life when I have had to philosophize the hell out of current circumstance. I am not a psychologist , yet I can envision the doctorate hanging on my wall. I can analyze with the best. I finally get it. I am not a medical doctor. But my kids have had enough medical issues to make you think I went to Harvard Medical.

That is a brief introduction. I am not sure where I will start yet but start I will. Welcome!

I could start with the current stress. It seems to have swallowed me whole. I feel often as though I am in the belly of a whale with only a candle that keeps sputtering out from the dampness. I chose the stress in a way, but let me explain further.

I have a wayward husband. I am being kind. I am trying to be "PC" in case the lying cheating Head Member of the Cheaters Club chances upon my blog. Sorry if the sarcasm oozed from the typed word onto your computer screen and singed it. Sigh.............all words to describe my situation seem vapid , hollow and certainly not posionous enough.

Suffice it to say the history is long, moderately relatable and entirely titillating. You will have to wait until my emotional strength meter is higher to actually read the entire story.

I have been trying for two months, since Cheater Deluxe re-entered the household to keep it together. I am really not sure what I was thinking letting him back in. I had a weak moment, a stellar weak moment. It was so near our 19th wedding anniversary and I was feeling generous. Next time I feel generous I will feed the pigeons. I will end up with just as much crap, but no emotional scarring.

So I let Cheater Deluxe back in before I really contemplated the entire scenario. I sure as hell can acknowledge that I have bitten off way more than I can chew.

Ya know the song Long Strange Trip by Grateful Dead? Well there ya go. I gotta kick myself for even being remotely moony eyed over the thought of a complete reconcilliation. I am sure my family would love to kick me thrice over.

My advice to anyone in this circumstance?? Kick him to the curb girl, make sure you kick him hard. Why? This is the single hardest thing I have ever had to overcome. I cannot go ten minutes without becoming a jealous gorgon, snarling suspicions and hurtling insults. Heres the real scoop. The forgiver has all the work to do. The forgivee basically sits pretty and waits for the forgiver to put life back together.

Some have suggested a counselor. Hmmmmm, well perhaps it could work. That counselor will not be in your head 24-7 helping you forgive. Forgiveness is a down and dirty, life sucking process. It takes extreme confidence to readily forgive. If you have had a similar experience then you know your confidence was left somewhere back in time and is irretrievable at this point. Hate to sound negative, but I am telling you this is life without the instruction manual.