No Blips on the Radar
So although words fail me at the time of this writing , i am going to try to explain the current drama. I do not know who signed me up to play yet another round of disappearing husband.
Cheater Deluxe disappeared off the radar of this family again last night. Indeed he did. I know he is okay because Pitbull (Girlfriend) texted me and told me he was there. Actually words aren't failing me at all ............@@@@@@@@@ !! After all who needs to read the verbal x rated bashing of Cheater Deluxe. You can fill in the blanks.
>He has yet to call or raise his cowardly head from under his pillow to answer any phonecalls. He's just a Prince. Sarcasm burning your eyes?? Sunglasses work, you will wanna keep reading after all.
Ya know that strange alarm bell that rings in your gut when things are going all wrong?? Should have regarded that alarm with more vigor. I knew this was going to happen. I do have a great deal of insight into Cheater Deluxe's brain. In fact, I have spent entirely too much time on figuring him out. Just because I have his wiring mapped out doesn't mean I can change the genetic blueprint. He is a true borderline personality with little empathy, and a huge ego. He has a full time job living with himself.
Let me explain the Pitbull moniker. This woman is like none I have ever encountered. You would think she was the one married to my husband, because she acts like she has every right to be where she is with him. Cheater Deluxe from the beginning of this crap gave her entirely too much access to myself and the kids. She has called at all hours of the night and has called extended family members as though she has been present for the twenty years of my marriage. The woman has enough balls to more then make up for Cheater Deluxe's lack of them. She is from what my Mom calls "The Dregs" of society. Thus I graced her with the nickname Pitbull.
I so understood Cheater's state of mind the last time he begged to come home that I let him back. I felt compelled to not give up on him. I felt like if I gave up then there was never going to be anyone else to stick by him. I love him dearly despite all this and I made choices completely blinded by empathy and a need to rescue Cheater from himself. I wanted my husband, and my marriage that I had worked so hard to maintain.
Now after this latest addendum to the saga, I realize that even if I am not ready to give up the day before the victory, I must, for my sake, as well as the kids. It simply will become a revolving door of mental case issues, and every time this has happened I have lost a little more dignity and sparkle. I used to shine, now I barely glimmer.
I feel much like the sputtering candle from my last post. I am in darkness often. Never has any life experience been so devastating or wrought so much sorrow. Along with that there is the constant state of horror and disbelief I have over Cheater Deluxe's behavior. Much of what he has done cannot be given logical form. Yet still I grapple with making it fit a logical form.
As much as I know of him there is so much I do not know. I suppose that is true of anyone you spend a life with. I need to worry about rescuing myself not my husband. Such is a life without an instruction manual.
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