Being a control freak is a constant stress. Like I said before I am not freakish about everyone else, I am freakish about being in complete control of my place in the world. Mess with my zen and I am highly likely to spin off into hours of worried rumination. I don't make hardlined decisions about problems, and I do not approach problem solving with any sort of practical organization. I simply worry, muddle, and recycle the issue over in my head until a solution is found. This takes weeks, days, maybe months.

I pick my way through an entire list of solutions until I feel comfortable with one and thats how I make a decision. Its all about making me happy and comfortable with a solution. Its about restoring my zen to balance so that I once again feel in control of my immediate world.

Money is something that I completely lack control of right now and a constant stress. Worrying about how I am gonna get the rent payed ruins my control. I am a happy woman when my bills are payed and I do not have to worry about a late payment or where the funding will come from. I am happy when there is food in the house, electric bill is current and gas in my car. Even the smallest financial stress will send me into hyper worry. Then I am out of control.

Of course with Cheater Deluxe not producing any blips yet on the radar of life, my money woes are swinging me from the moon. I have heard through the grapevine that Cheater Deluxe and Pitbull have blown the state they holed up in and have embarked on an incognito road trip. No one has heard from them, and being the stellar parent that Pitbull is she abandoned her two young children. I must add Cheater Deluxe of course to that stellar parent list as well. Goodness knows it has become my irritating habit to burn holes in your eyes from my sarcastistic remarks.

Tonight Pitbull texted me that Cheater Deluxe confessed his undying love and affection to her, and asked her to text me with that tawdry tidbit. I admit my heart left my chest and landed in my feet with a painful thud, but being a gal of many words, I blasted her back. Words have a way of ringing true, of burning someone so quickly that you can imagine them physically recoiling from the sight of them. I did not go Jerry Springer on her ass, I used words of stinging wit and dripping sarcasm. It felt so good. My heart went back into my chest and I really puffed with pride when her retort was nasty and not at all on point. Yes folks, I had succeeded in rattling her cage. My job with her was done.

I tried to get out of her where they were and to find out if Cheater Deluxe was working. Its difficult to garner information when you are trying not to reveal your own hand. But I am a poker player and that trait has come in handy, so I imagined a fist full of poker chips and blundered ahead. I was not successful in getting much out of her except that Cheater Deluxe was indeed hiding from all responsibility concerning his kids. He has no intentions of volunteering any financial support, nor did he make any indication that he felt in any way guilty for his recent disappearance.

Well then. I cannot say I am surprised. I cannot even say that I was upset at not getting useful information from her. I have backup people. People who can get the job done. But that may be a lengthy process. So once again my zen is out of balance because I am not anymore in control of my finances then when I started this day. Even a life instruction manual written in sanskrit would be more helpful than none at all.