In Cement

I am struggling to keep everything in perspective. Like a coin with two sides, there are two sides to my feelings over Cheater Deluxe's abandonment of his marriage. One side of me is mad, rejected and vengeful, the other is sad at the loss of someone who has been present in my life for 21 years. I feel so balled up with fury one minute and so flaccid with sadness the next. Its the hardest part to deal with, the personal emotions.

No matter what Cheater has done, I still want to lay down and cry when I think of the loss of him as my friend and companion. Perhaps someone will understand what I am trying to say, perhaps not. There seems to be such a black or white perspective over how someone in my position should feel and respond when infidelity in a marriage occurs.

So much wrong has happened recently with Cheater, other than just infidelity, but I wanted to share a bit of my experience over the infidelity. Cheater Deluxe was never a dog. He never oogled other women, made rude comments in my presence, or chased a pretty face. This infidelity struck myself and anyone who knew him as utterly inexplicable. Cheater and I despite stresses of normal life had a friendship that kept us together through alot of tough times. I accepted his flaws and he accepted mine. Marriage was not perfect because life is not perfect, but we stayed glued to one another because we actually liked each other and enjoyed each others company.

This is where I seem to be cemented into place. There is such a dichotomy between what I should do, and what I am feeling. I think all the "should dos" are valid and at this point necessary. The emotions though, persistantly cloud my judgement.

It is helpful in many ways that Cheater Deluxe has gone underground. I would cave if I heard his voice or had him near me physically. I just cannot do what is to be done and that is to be done completely with this marriage. Eventually he will surface and I hope I will have hardened more towards him. I have never liked doing what I must do over doing what I want to do. I am hoping with time the need to do will win over.

There comes a point when a solid line must be drawn in the sand. As long as I allow this poor treatment to occur it will just keep happening. I know this in the real world, its my emotional world that hasn't absorbed that snarling truth yet.